Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
