I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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