just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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