what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
