i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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