well you can't waste a boner
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
