Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
