if you like me you must not know who I am
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
