How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
