Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
