do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
