Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
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