I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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