Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
