When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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