I want you more than these girls want KFC
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
