I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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