how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
How does it feel to date your dad?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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