i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
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