my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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