what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
