this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
