I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
