When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
