This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
