girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
