now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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