Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
