I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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