it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
