i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
