Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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