Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
