Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You have to summon your inner elephant
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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