Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
