Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
