george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
