Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
