My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Randomize
