I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
