So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
