I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
