I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
