How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
