I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
