You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
