I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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