I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He did a backflip because drugs
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
