i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
