End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize