We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize