I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
