We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
