I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
