i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
